Ms.Visage

Fights were becoming a part of our everyday life. We fought for every and anything under the sun.. I think every relationship has this phase -- "Fighting wala Phase" where people just fight and never get enough of it (btw it usually happens when the intial attraction dies down)...

I came back to my workstation just after one of those deadly fights.. I didn't expect his call atleast till a few days. After an hour, my phone beeped and surprisingly it was "him". I was expecting his "I am sorry talks".. But he had a different story to say.. his voice was beaming with excitement and the he told me that he was one of the lucky selected contestants for "Mr.Fresher". I was not aware of such competition but given my wonderful night shifts, I was not even aware of the cute guy in the next bay.. He told me that there were indeed some secret polls among the teams to select the candidates for the title.. I was cursed my teammates bigtime for not voting me.. I was with him still on the phone when my mailbox showed a new mail..

From : Visage Team ( vm933n )

To: Kartika, Kommuri ( kt040t)

Sub: Mr & Ms Fresher

Hi Kartika,

Its an honour for us to invite you to the Mr & Ms Fresher. You have been selected through secret voting among your teammates. Kindly report at Cafe Coffee Day in Tower A cafeteria at 4:00 pm. Please be prepared on your work life and career asiprations.

Regards,

Visage Team.

I screamed the news into the receiver.. But then , I wondered why had they sent an unofficial mail to this mail and the mail id "vm933n" seemed way too familiar..! The clock had already struck 3:55pm, so I hopped to my manager and told him the whole story. He wished me luck and asked to win the title at any cost.. ( btw he was only bothered to add the another award to the team.. he aint so sweet..!) .. I hurried to the lobby and took the first lift that went up..

All through the way up, I was thinking about how to win the contest.. Would they include some gift vouchers of Shoppers Stop or would it just be some choclates.. ?

Noo.. AT & T can't be so kanjuss...

There was no hungama yet by the Visage team near CCD.. I couldn't even find any Hr's or organisers also.. I wondered whether I saw the venue right. I even went ahead and asked Sid ( one fo the AT & T folks ) but he threw me a strange look..

Just then, I saw him standing in front of CCD.. I walked upto him and found him as clueless as me.. He told me to grab a table so that we could gulp something down before the big event. I went to our usual corner place and waited patiently for the confusion to clear up..

He brought my favourite black forest and his cappucino and said, "So, Ms. Visage, how are u?" something in his look made me feel that all of it was a trick nd I very much fell for it...

I couldn't stop that dimple to come onto my face and we both started smiling and blushing and finally laughing aloud... and then I replied, " Pretty gud, Mr. Visage ..!! "

The one thing I liked about him was his compatibility to my unpredictable nature which made our story a roller coaster ride..!

Words

I couldn’t breathe anymore.. or I was taking such deep breaths that I couldn't sense them..

My fingers couldn’t move on the keyboard.. or they were shivering vigorously..

My body was in convulsions.. or I was in the middle of an ocean trying to get out..

Everything seemed blur.. or a very bright light blinded my eyes..

My heart was having a sting of pain.. or it was butchered till its existence..

They were the same words that had the power to shatter me.. I heard them many times from many people.. every time the pain increased a notch higher.. it multiplied.. it scared me..

This time the pain so much that it just ceased to exist... I locked myself in a room.. I tried to shout out loud, loud so that someone could pull me out.. it was an intimate moment where at one time I saw all those ppl mocking at me and the other when I was crying alone in that closed space.. I am still able to hear those words many decibels higher and every time the void in my heart gets deeper.

“No matter wat I do, U need more, U shud go see a counselor or a psychiatrist.. a gud one this time..”

Debate.

Me: Why is it that these little hiccups of happiness don't stay long? I know I have made mistakes earlier, but I'm true this time.

Conscious: May be because darkness is more comforting and you secretly wish to get back to it. May be you feel everything has got back to normal when world has gone topsy-turvy outside you.

Me: No, I want some sunshine and colors in my life, I also want be loved, cared. I also want to be like other girls, I also want to lead a peaceful life.

Conscious: Huh! You still have people who love you truly and you know that. And roller coaster rides are never peaceful!

Me: But it succumbs all my energy, it drains me out. All the long gone insecurities build their impenetrable walls in my heart. It's suffocating.

Conscious: At least this phase gives you the inspiration to think, to write, to come out of your cocoon once in two years!

Temptations

Temptation comes to all of us. Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise. Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame flickering back to life or a new friend who could end up being so much more or a young child who awakens feelings we didn’t think we had. And we give in to these temptations all the while knowing that coming morning we have to suffer the consequences”

– Desperate Housewives

Yeh Dooriyan...

I just now saw the time in my lappy and it shows 00:20.. !! Your birthday had already started and you are in classroom sitting admist some firangs unaware of that fact.. Your face would have been smashed with cake but it shows no emotion now.. Your place would have gone loud with the music but you are sitting somewhere calm nd serene.. How big a difference distance can create..!

The asymmetry that distance brings into one's life is so tremendous. From climate to conversations, from people to priorities, from sunrise to sunset everything changes.. but the biggest hit is the time zone.. Its so strange that my whole day goes by waiting for your night and your whole night goes by waiting for my day... It upsets me that my wake-up calls become your good-night calls turning me all the more nocturnal.. Its a like viscious circle where we don't get to see the sunset together.. but yeah.., the moon makes me realise that WE are still on the same planet...

Our reliance free phone has transformed into India calling cards.. our weekend vacations has transformed into skype video calls.. our sulking about bosses has transformed into musings over your assingments and my potential career options... our happy snapshots together have transformed into dull pictures of solitary.. our long useless converstions have transformed into cut-short gist talks... Oh ya.. accept it... things have changed...

From past two months, Im trying to find stability, but I guess Im realising that we have to be in this unstable state for long time..

I just wish that you were here or I was there or we were together anywhere..!

Life is like a stage... People come , people go.. People come to go out one day.. nad when they leave, they have no intention to return back..

Past that makes present so fake and past that is no longer important!

When you fall into it, its a viscious cycle of emotions, of luv, of hatred, of trust and of hypocrisy..

'Blogging frm Accenture Pvt Ltd on a sunday afternoon, getting highly bored with nuhtin:)

Happy Birthday Princess!!

My 21st birthday... one birthday which I wud neva like to remember.. Y me god? Y always me..? do u enjoy my pain so much? don u pity me.. or am I so bad? No.. I aint bad.. Its U.. U r da bigges hypocrite Ive eva seen..My mom worships u every single day.. nd U in return keep on givin her pains.. But Im not like my mom.. U spoiled even my bday.. U took away everything I wanted frm childhood...

Death is slowly taking over me.. but who will take care of mom nd di after tat.. only reason Im living ur so called given life.. but I know Ill be dying pretty soon.. I know its comin..but Im only worried abt mom nd di.. I don know.. Ill have o make so arrangements fast..

I so wish I cud get back my childhood.. wen I was little grl.. jus happily playin.. with mom nd di.. Rem my childhood bdays.. I used o get so many presents.. big cake.. big parties.. Di always used to give me so many surprises..I was unaware of pain tat time..

My bday wish: Gimme Death but plz take care of mom nd di....

I wonder how mnay ppl on this earth wish death on their bdays!

Apology!

Sorry my dear, U were my soul.. but believe me I missed u as much as u missed me... May 1st... da day which changed my life.. wen life gave its biggest blow to me.. wen I started hitting da reality... I wanted to tell u everything, once it comes.. but then it came in such a way tat i cudnt take it and I had to run away frm u..

IIM B , da least expected thing in my life, happened and it was a ephemeral blue.. Im not sad tat I dint convert it, Im sad tat I got da cal.. One cal which toppsy-turved all my life.. my dreams to be in US of A.. my whole career.. Two i-20's and Im workingin Accenture.. hmm...

Accenture, da same buliding I saw and chuckled wen I went for my IIM interview.. I go to da same buliding everyday , slog myself day in and day out.. I wonder da buliding must be laughing everyday looking at me wen I go to work..

The disatnce btw IIM B and Accenture is just few kms.. But not every letter in Accenture is written in caps.. I wonder my dear, how different it wud hav been to be on da other side of da game..

But alas! dis is life and Im getting to know tat fact!

Convoking phantasmagoria

This one's for da "closest person" in my engg life

I lay awake in bed all night
Hoping tat things wud get alright..

I shout, I weep, I cry
Unlike da tears, these wounds wud neva dry..

It is da ambivalent games u play
Tat is making me feel this way..

I thought I was ur closest one
Nd u made me realize, I was none..

Excruciating was all da pain
But alas! It all went in vain..

Oh my dearest, I defy thee
Now, unveil da hypocrisy!

Happy "Womens day"

During my extensive GD/ PI session , I met a lady named Manisha who was one of our HR faculty. My meeting with her became more intersting because she was also passionate about social service. She used to work for UNICEF for commercial sex workers in Kolkata.

"Commercial Sex Workers"-- this term sounded so cliched to me. I thought their heart-breaking stories were only limited to reel life. But thanks to ma'am, she exposed me to the hard reality by describing about a red light area in Kolkata.

"Around 30-40 girls, nearly 14 to 15 yrs of age, live together in a small single room. They have bunkers lined up till the roof and a small area beneath their bunkers serves as their bathroom. They serve their clients in their bunkers itself, for 100-200rs. And the client generally prefers a virgin because it is a myth that he wud get rid of his sexual sorder on an encounter with a young female."

At an age, when we didn't even know what prostitution was all abt, in a room which is smaller than our usual bedrooms, for an amount which we would just blast away in an evening, these girls have to sell their body, their souls and their lives.

At an age, when all of us were busy with our rat race for marks, when all of us were blushing in our early crushes, when all of us were happy in our mom's cuddles, when all of us were still realising what life was all about, at this tender adolscent age, these girls are exploited to their best. Their bodies are plundered by some depraved beasts, their young spirits are ripped off by the lust of the evil, their lives are sold away by the greedy, their tears go unnoticed in the darkness of their lives, their beauty is burnt away in the raunchy desires of the society.

And the irony being, when caught by the police, these girls are termed as "culprits" and their clients as "victims".

This coming saturday is the so called " Women's Day". While women are being tortured by evils like prostitution, molestation, child sexual abuse, dowry murders, female infanticides and many more. our politicians and socialites are talking of Women Empowerment..!

After 60 years of independence, this is the condition of a woman in Indian society and the only thing that haunts my mind is

" Is it a mistake to be born as a girl ..?"

Wake up people.. Its high time!

Destiny or Coincidence...??

This may seem like a movie to most of ull.. but believe me its so fun to have all these filmi things happening in ur life..!!

Nervous, i entered da exam hall... It was da first of my +1 exam.. I saw faces equally tensed like mine.. I hurriedly took my seat nd started writing.. I finished da exam 15 min early nd started checking my paper for any mistakes ( god i was a geek those days!!)..

wait a min . . .

suddenly, i realised tat someone was staring at me.. my instinct told it was da guy in da next row.. my usual dirty habit of turning around made me look at him.. first thing i noticed abt him was his hair.. ahhh... i luv silky hairr..!! I immediately switched my gaze..but i was slowly looking at him frm da corner of my eye..
aaah ..he caught me looking at him.. shitt man..!!

There started da movie.. we used to finish our exams early everyday nd begin line marofying each other ;)..nd soon were at da end of our exams.. i felt bad tat ill miss my sweet timepass..

Soon they announced abt betterment nd i hoped so much tat he shud get less marks ( dirty me.. less marks only for my timepass... god save my soul!!!)...as expected i saw him da betterment too.. each day was a fashion parade for me.. i tried to look my best everyday( neways i know i am :P)..

But dis time i used my intellectual brains nd found out his name frm da attendence sheet.. it was KRANTHI...so anyone out ther who needs any luv advice.. da cupid is here.. ping me!!

Soon da climax of da movie arrived.. it was da last day of da exams.. da last meet.. da last look..

But dis time he had da guts to walk upto me.. my heart was beating with excitement...my blood pressure wud hav crosses da high BP limits...i cud hear my own heartbeat...

Dhad Dhad Dhad.........

In btw my mind was racing with so many thoughts..
wat wud he ask..??
Is he comin to me or someone else..??
wud he directly propose me or ask for my no..??

But as i say it is a movie.. nd a movie has a villian ryt...
So here comes da villian of our story.. my autowala (who picks me up frm exam centre nd drops me at home)...he came barging in btw both of us obstructing our view... he was about to come closer wen da automan shouted

" amma ... auto ekkandi.. time avutundi.. inka school pillalni pick cheyyali..!!!"

dam it..da autowala didnt even wait for few mins.. i was walking as slowly as i cud to da auto... but dis time my luck didnt work.. nd my automan rushed me off before he cud reach me..

I used my genuis brain once again nd searched for him (since i knew his name, i thot it wud be easy)... i enquired with all my frnds frm different colleges.. unlike my subjects i got a zero here:(

But now u may get a doubt... wherz da twist in da tale..???

here comes da twist...
I saw him again after an year at da end of my +2 exams near a busstop.. he put on a lil weight nd was still looking cute.. but by then, i lost my crush on him( da frequency of my crsuhes is too high nearly order of megahertz :D..) nd laughed at my own stupidity....

But y am i writing this post after so many yrs after tat incident ...
cos i saw him again today at foodex( a local hangout)...
god...i was so shocked!!!

Is this destiny????
Or coincidence..???
Or may b ...
may b...
may b...


may b da city is too small :P....!!!!!!

Fallen Angel

Little angel was born, pure nd pious
She loved everyone without any bias..

She thought life wud be a fairytale
But as she grew, her dreams became more pale..

Her fragile wings wanted to fly
To soar new heights in da sky..

But da reality hit her so hard
That she was shattered to shards..

It was da heights of pain
That was making her go insane..

All her dreams were torn
For she was thrown into forlorn..

Her naked body was battered
And her tender wings were spattered..

Her blood had turned blue
It was in its deepest hue..

Now she lay in dead slumber
And her body grew even more numbber..

P.S : this is da first time ive tried writing a poem, so plz excuse me for any mistakes..

aah.. y engineering:((

It was VHDL lab. VHDL- da abbreviation of which, im confused till date. I was late , so I had to rush to the lab.. (dam tat stupid bus i got into..). I was panting for breath wen i finally reached da lab nd found a comfortable chair.. da lecturer lulled me to sleep with his profound(--hence boring) demonstration..

We were asked to perform some expt on FGPA or somethin..yawn!!..My frnd was punching in some code into da comp.. nd we got somethin in yellow on da screen.. i even failed to notice it...i was thinking y did she stop typing, looking at tat yellow thing..??? i was later enlightened by her tat it was a warning nd there was somethin wrong in da synthesis part.. phew .. dam.. dese comps r soo sick!!!

She consulted another guy ( a geek of course.. how do dese ppl manage to study all this shit!!)... they were speaking somethin in greek nd latin $&^#^*..i cudnt even get a single word.. i mean everything was goin above my head..i tried concentrating a second time.. but.. phew!! screw it man.. i know i wud forget it anyways .. so y wasting my sleep... i'd better return back to my hibernation..

Later in da class, i was thrown into oblivion.. y did i ever choose engineering nd ece tat too..dese radars nd diodes are fucking my brain off!!.. i mean i cud hav been a .. a journalist( oh i jus luv travelling:)) .. or may b a critic( either books or movies.. anythin wud have done).. or even a fashion designer( i can pretty much match my shoes nd bag!! yipee!!)..or finally an actor( i always act my fav scenes frm movies in frot of my mirror;) .. nd i always wanted to be in page3 )..
I mean , im in da final year of engineering nd im still perplexed abt my career..im more confused than a child who has to choose bwtn a choclate nd an ice-cream... i mean dis is da heights of idiosyncrasies!!!

loneliness haunts....

Sometimes i feel there r 'n' people living inside me...

each havin its own desires, each seeking its own destiny , each takin its own breath,each fighting for its own existence, each one trying to take control over me...

Sometimes im dis bubbly grl next door, challenging, smart nd sassy, having loads of frndz, does dozens of masti , giggling at stupid boyz, gossiping over other grls, sweetheart of my parents, having a beatific smile at every problem tat comes my way....

But most of da time, im dominated by a lonely person living with storming debates in her brain... seeking for solitude.. craving for pain... undisturbed by crowds.. mind secluded from worldly beings.. jus stare at da sky drifting in my own melancholy...

Thinking of the innumerable moments.. some gud, some bad, some breathtaking, some heart breaking.. but all fake... moments.., somewhere frozen in time.. relationships presumed to be eternal but were just ephemeral blues... words tat keep running thru ears.. images tat keep flashing in mind..

so untrue, so feign....

Believed in fantasies, believed in dreams, believed in relationships, believed in emotions, believed in love..

all when i was kid...

But as i grew up , as i started hitting da reality,

fantasies faded, dreams shtattered, realtionships vanished, emotions faked out...

nd love.. hmm... it lost its meaning completely...

But something veracious happened during this period... my heart broke into a million pieces.. it seared down to ashes.. it lost its life...

From the innocent grl, i transformed into an emotionless female... a callous loner who doesnt even trust her own soul...

a walk to remember....

I've always wished to see da sunrise near da beach with my luved one holding his hand...I jus mentioned him once as far as i cud remember...
It was our first anniversary...It was slightly drizzling tat day.. We met at six in da morning...I expected tat he wud take me for a drive along da coast line.. Instead he stopped da car near by nd we got out... I was confused as wat we wud do in tat place...There were stairs down da walkway nd he suggested we shud go down to da beach...He held ma hand nd took me down... There were rocks far into da sea...I was a bit reluctant to walk on those rocks... But he insisted on it... We sauntered till da end nd finally sat down on those rocks..

I could feel da dampness in da air...A breeze picked up nd i shivered in my thin cotton salwar...The waves were splashing hard on da rocks...It started raining a bit heavily now...rain drops dripping frm our faces... I was a lil tensed nd wen he finally touched me , an undefinable tremor went through my body... He held my hand nd drew me closer... I cud feel his breath...I cud hear his heartbeat...My heart started racing now... He whispered somethin in my ears...."i luv u"..., kissed me softly nd held me tightly in his arms...I felt secure in his cocoon...I never wanted tat magical moment to die down..
It was da moment i realised tat nuthin in this world cud ever come between us...

It was da moment i realised i luved him too...It was one of da most breathtaking moments in ma life...No matter how far our lives takes us away," ill always luv u"....

rain....

It was 10 :30pm.. a usual cold night...It was raining outside heavily..I was wondering wat was he doin right now nd y didnt he cal yet..i was sitting near my window in my room nd watching da rain washing away da streets...I tried catching few droplets with my hand...

My parents were getting ready to sleep nd my sis was watching da tv...Suddenly my door bell rang nd my sis called out for me.. She said somebody was asking for me... I wondered who was it at tat part of da night...

I went outside to da door.. He was standing dripping wet on my stairs...He was wearing my fav tee.. da red one with blue stripe nd blue jeans...He was leaning against da wall nd gave his usual boyish grin...I went nd hugged him tightly..nd was completely wet da next moment...I wondered wat my parents wud think if they saw me in my wet clothes...He said he was missing me a lot so walked in da rain to my place... Like i wanted, my fairytale love story was comin true...I cud not ask nethin else frm ma life..

The first time i ever realised tat i liked him was also a rainy day.. We were walkin down da street nd he suddenly looked into da sky nd gave a smile...I thought he felt tat i was a God's gift to him...He dropped me near my place nd raced his bicycle for he was gettin late for his tutions... I ran onto my terrace to get a quick look of his....The rain drops then brought a smile on my lips...

Now it is again raining.. da only difference being tat my prince is no longer there... But his essence is still alive in my heart..
Rain brought me memories of da past..
It brought me tears at last...

Rain brought me kisses nd hugs...
It brought me fights nd patch-ups...

Rain brought luv into my life...
It brought life into my life!!

ACCENTURE MAY 2nd

hmm...

lemme start blogging with one of da best days of ma life... tats da day i got my first job...

May 1st

i wasnt so inetersted in goin for da placement.. so didnt prepare nethin previously... my frnd came to ma place nd started checking otu for details in da net.. but i was least bothered... i took out my resume ( copy paste frm da mail madhu sent me)..... i got my new dress nd few accesories for da next day... i was more excited to for da new look rather than da interview...

May 2nd

7:00 : i was off ma bed nd started gettin ready reluctant still to go to da interview...

8:00 : i got ready early but somethin churning in ma stomach... dint know.. may b tension...

later realised tat i was late for da coll bus...nd my frnd was waiting for me..poor thing she also missed da last bus for me.... we chased da bus in autos.. but finally ended up goin to col in autos itself...

9:00 :i was in da coll somehow.. nd was dam tensed ... i went to our bhavan nd saw all ma frnds chatting outside da classroom nd was bit relieved... we waited around 1/2 hr .. then da testtakers came in... all chapathis nd cute fellas surprisingly... me nd madz line marofied them also hehe....

9:30 : da test started ... i was a bit tensed but was actually planning for a movie in my mind after the written test.. nd was confused which movie to opt... i gave da test.. it was a 1hr test nd i ran out of time as usual out of tension...

10:30 : all of us were out nd were discussing abt da movie program nd we were told to go to seminar hall in dental bhavan... went there in da hot sun....nd they played da

movie ramayana out of no where.. i was so pissed off nd started laughin seeing things..

12:00 : da accenture ppl hav not yet arrived nd we were asked to wait... we went to canteen nd munched somethin hurriedly... nd when we came back they left us for lunch... i was so irritated.... then we walked all da way to hostel for lunch in tat humid climate...

2:00 : we were at da seminar hall again both tired nd exhausted ... me exhausted 'cos i missed out da noon show also nd i desperately wanted to see tararumpum... hmm.. da seminar finally started... they gave all da company details nd believe me da company was too gud... i was feelin very sad tat i didnt even try for such a big firm... i was unsure abt my written test.. me nd madz thought we messed up our written like those guys in fps.... finally da moment came wen results were announced... they told out of 700, 350 were selected...they were callin ppl in batches of 15 each.... firstly none of my classmates went... then slowly my frnds names were called out.. madz went nd i felt very lost...then suddely da name came.... KARTIK TEJA ECE-A ..... i was so goddam happy tat i rushed out of da auditorium...

4:00 : da whole buliding was a total mess.. ppl running for gds with their resumes.. da ones who got through with big smiles on their faces.... our batch had 15 ppl mostly grls...i knew most of them were strong..da topic was reservation.... i was so happy with da topic.. i knew i wud rock da gd session... i spoke of course with decent intervals... nd got through it...

5:00 : i was asked to bring my gpa sheets of each semester.. i didnt hav da 1st yr ones.. i managed somehow saying tat i had sent them for my scholarship... we had wait in a class room for more than two hrs... i wanted to get thorugh for dis company 'cos i dint wanna run with my resume for da following ones...i was too lazy for all tat..

8:00 : all da grls in all batches were called out 'cos it was gettin too late... i went in for myHR round at around 9'oclock... i was very thrilled abt this round.... it was like a cake walk for me... it was a normal chat session nd i impressed my interviewer tat i was worth a million...she told i did quite well nd asked to go for da next round.

9:30 : now dis was da part i was most horrified abt.. da tech round.. i hardly remembered nethin in c or c++.... luckily i asked a guy who already gave his tech round( my classmate in 1st yr ) some questions on c & ds.... nd to my luck da interviewer posed me da same q's.. he offered me some tea nd biscuits to which i refused even though i was dam hungry.... he asked me to introduce myself.. i made this guy also believe tat im a consistent player...he asked me normal ques abt my priortisation towards banglore nd stuff.... nd at da end he told me hav fun nd party... at tat point i was quite sure tat i got selected...

i liked da warmth of da air nd da glow of those yellow lights in my coll... everythin was so calm but my heart was thumping with excitement..i somehow thought dis wud b a slap for all those ppl who insulted me... dis was my turn to take da revenge...

they told they wud announce da results next day morning... i was reviewing da whole interview all night i slept at around 3...nd as expected i got selected... this is one da best days of my life... nd i donno y im writing up such a big mahabharta to bore u guys... neways hav fun nd ill b back with another posting soon...